A mere trifle

If you are not familiar with Jasper Fforde and the Thursday Next series of novels this may not work for you....if you are..it might!!






“You see,but you do not observe. The distinction is clear. For example,you have frequently seen the steps which lead up from the hall to this room”
“Frequently.”
“How often?”
“Well,some hundreds of times.”
“Then how many are there?”
“Seventeen.”
“NO!” I shouted in a maybe unnecessarily dramatic entrance. “Doctor Watson,you should know better,you really should. Textual diversions are forbidden in the whole of the Sherlock Holmes series.”
“And you are?” Watson asked.
“Thursday Next,Jurisfiction.”
“Next what?”
“Not next anything. I work for Jurisfiction.”
“So what is happening next Thursday?”
”How do you mean what is happening next?”
“I was under the impression something was happening Thursday next.”
“My dear fellow.let the poor girl explain herself. What she is telling you that her name is Thursday Next and she is a Jurisfiction agent and one who is at the head of her profession.”
“You know of me then,Mr Holmes?” I asked,feeling all the while that this dialogue was set up for me.
“Beyond the obvious facts that you have worked with SpecOps as a Literary detective,have a husband who was once eradicated,have a daughter who you have never seen who doesn’t actually exist,have recently been threatened by a minotaur and live in Swindon,I assure you I know nothing at all about you.” Holmes stated.
“Really, Holmes you have just studied her file.”
“Shh, Watson please do not interfere with my moments of genius. Now, what brings you here Ms.Next?”
“The Book World is a little alarmed at some of the remarks made by Dr Watson lately. Trouble is brewing and I am here to snuff it out and from the above dialogue I think I have only just arrived in time.”
"What’s so wrong Ms Next with wanting appear not so dim witted from time to time. I know there are seventeen steps from the hall to this room. Why on earth am I not allowed to say so?”
“The implications are many and dangerous. Any textual anomalies left untreated or allowed to go unchallenged can spread like wildfire and create gaping holes in the narrative allowing grammasites a way in and you know what will happen then.Whole portions of the books will be lost,characters erased or re-written. The repercussions from John Dashwood becoming a highwayman plagued Sense And Sensibility for decades.”
“This is most unfair,”continued the good doctor,”I feel underused.Holmes can go away for days at an end and all I am allowed to do is compile case notes. Can I guest in other books during those times. I feel sure a good doctor would be useful in Tunes Of Glory: I saw Jock’s mental instability coming from page 68 onwards. But I think my forte would be in teaching the young ladies in The Prime Of Miss Jean Brodie."
There was a loud harrumph from Sherlock Holmes.”Teaching them what exactly,Watson?”
“What are you inferring,Holmes?”
“PLEASE!” I shouted,”can you stop arguing and listen to me.”
“No one ever stops to consider my feelings,” complained Holmes bitterly. “I have a lot to put up with too you know. I close my eyes for fifty minutes to consider a three pipe problem and when I open them again I find that Watson has deserted me again for yet another wife.”
“Perhaps,Holmes I should reveal the true story of your long hiatus instead of the ineffable twaddle I inflicted on my adoring public.”
“I believe your innate kindess and loyalty would stay your hand.”
“I would not be too sure of that. The world has a right to know how you moonlighted as Heathcliff in a paperback edition of Wuthering Heights for three years and would be intrigued to know why a picture of Catherine Earnshaw occupies a pride of place in your drawer not one of Irene Adler. To tell the truth,Holmes I am fed up with hearing about the saintly Cathy.”
“RIGHT, listen up guys. Here’s the lowdown. The Sherlock Holmes series is held in great esteem all over the world,it is revered and loved; you will not be allowed to spoil this state of affairs. It has ‘protected status’ in the Book World and as such is virtually immune from book jumpers. There have been two attempts to gain entrance to the world of 221b Baker Street. One individual met a grisly end in The Lost World,whilst the other met an even grislier end after ending up in Sexton Blakes’s bath. It was only my years of experience that got me in and I don’t intend to waste my time now I am here. You will both toe the line. No text variations. No sudden out of character exchanges.Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes,” they both mumbled. Watson put his hand up like a shy schoolboy.
“Doctor?”
“Can we at least have a backstory,or any kind of personal history?”
“And deprive your followers of playing ‘The Great Game’. Certainly not.”
 "I still have followers?” asked Holmes.
“You mean we of course,” rejoined Watson.
“No, I meant I !”
“STOP,” The truth is that you are as popular as ever. The trend these days is for less and less books to be read, The Read-O-Meter is dropping by an average of 838 books a day whereas the Sherlock Holmes series shows an increase in readership of approximately 200 a day. That is why things must remain exactly as they are. You are privileged,gentlemen,do not let us down. Any questions?”
Watson, as I knew he would be was the first to jump in. “Is there any chance at all that I could have a wife at some point who does not have an abundance of Aunts to visit. In general they have more of these ghastly relations than even P G Wodehouse could imagine. And….well…it can get deucedly lonely you know.”
“That is a trifle selfish of you,Watson don’t you think?”
“Cathy!!!” taunted Watson, “Cathy!!”
My mobile footnoterphone burst into life. Trouble. “I have to go. There are problems in David Copperfield, unknown to any of us the young David has formed a punk rock band and sales of the new album ‘Never Mind The Micawbers Here’s The Sex Muskets’ are threatening to blow apart the whole of the Dickensian world. Now behave,gentlemen or else”
The room faded from view and as I found myself in the world of Charles Dickens once more,I sincerely hoped the sound of distant gunfire would turn out to be Holmes decorating the wall with a patriotic VR.